Pain of Death.......

Yesterday night I was reading this one post. I forgot which site I read it from and it was about death, which inspired me to write about my very own experience of death. No I didnt have a near death experience, but merely a thought on it. Given any normal day, the thought may be full of arguments and logic, but when you are sick, the thoughts are just taken to a new level.

I was about 21 that time, was doing my internship somewhere. One not fine day at all, I was very sick. That was the time all this SARS case was heavily reported and spoke about. SO u know when u r sick, it is automatically assumed that there is a high chance of u being infected. Nevertheless the doctor proved me wrong and guess fate wants to play around with me a lillte longer before it finishes of my chapter.

Back to the topic...So I was sick and all...And I was suppose to drive back from my training. The bad part was that the road I travel, will be always full of traffic. And to make matters worse, that day the traffic was even heavier due to police road block. Only Malaysian force can come up with the idea of having a road block where the traffic is already crawling. Kudos....

So u know I was driving, a manual, and take it from me only during this times a manual driver will wish to drive an auto car. Furthermore I am burdened with my faithful fever. So it all just made things worse to the extent, that I felt like giving up. I decided to either stop the car in the middle of the road or just go and ramn it somewhere.

At that thought, my pain was unbearable and my mind went all crazy to begin thinking about death. I thought I am going to die. Silly right? Yeah but when you are in pain, anything can happen.

I start thinking, it is better of me being dead. Then I thought about my parents - it saddened me greatly to lose them. I mean I imagined how sad they would be if they lost me. After 21 years of breeding me, and I'm gone, just like that. All their efforts and ambitions and dreams will be shattered. I knew i was never expressive enough when it came showing my love to my family members, but I ain't cruel enough to let those who loves me to be in pain.

And then of course, I also thought about the girl I love. Well she was with someone else then and with someone else now. I am the in between of hatred and more hatred. Anyway, I love her so much, that I wasn't willing to part from her. I am not willing to take my eyes of her. I want to protect her badly considering the fact that violence is taking a toll even then. I dont care even if she can't be with me, but I just wanna be there for her whenever she needed me.

All this thoughts piereced through me hard that I shed tears in the car, feeling so weak and without me realising that I was infront of the church that I used to go often then. Thats when I realised how scary can death be. Its not the process, but the aftermath that freaked me out. Guess I made it personal policy not to take unnecessary risks for the sake of my loved ones. Of course from that point on loads of things has crossed paths, and again my policy changed.. But anyway, as I was mourning with all these pains, the church looked like a big comfort to me.

Somehow suddenly i got inspired, and decided not to give up as I am still young and have people to keep happy. At that point I just took my car (actually, was my sis's car), to the left and to the right like nobody's bussiness and giving all those who honk me the taste of my middle finger. I managed to reach home safely but only at 9pm. And my work ended at 6pm.

If it was not for my sudden inspiration, guess I would have been back even later. Maybe I would have parked the car somewhere and I waited for the traffice to ease before I step on it, maybe I would have been dead causing some massive accident. I wouldnt know what would have happened. But I do know that I am alive today to write about my experience.

I was stubborn, not willing to submit to some mere thoughts and illness...Thats how my faith grew along the way. Honestly, at times of trouble, I think being stubborn can be a a great medicine most of the times...

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths....thoughts of death is more crucifying than death itself......

Tragediverssary.......

Its been a year since tragedy hit my life. Yeah for some people it may not seem to be anything, but for me it was my world and dream- all shattered at the cost of irresponsibilities. Its been a year but memories are still fresh in my mind.

It was just like yesterday when i was blanketing bed of roses as lightning struck and took me into the depth of realm I never knew, a realm where ever since I haven't been able to be my real self. A realm where all seem so dark and futile. A realm where I am living as the ever so famous "walking-dead". A realm where I couldn't find my self to be freed from. A realm I am hiding in. A realm I find comfort despite being some one I am not, still I am curling up this realm, as I got no place to go, no where to hide and no where to run...Here I am....Still dreading about a year ago.

The pain is real...and somehow I want the pain to be forever, so that I will never forget the lesson.So that I'll never be too complacent, so that I'll never be too soft. That's why I never moved on. I'll remember this experience.....The day when I give up justifying myself.....The day when I stopped loving, the day when I start becoming ever so vulnerable yet strong......Its the day I have been shaped to the person I am....The day when people will have to answer to me, else they can fuck off by all means....The day I stopped carrying, and my middle finger spoke most of my actions...

There's a high price to pay being nice...And belive me the its not worth it...And so I changed, prepared to wage a war....without holding back.

This date seem to have something against me. A year ago my future became dark on this date, and today as I type this entry out, my already dark future is hanging on the edge of a bull's horn. I am waiting, impatiently though for whatever this date holds for me today. For my friends its just another event, but for me this date itself comes with loads of bad news...Wondering how long can i take anymore, I am still waiting hopelessly......

A year ago I made a mistake, due to trusting some one and today the mistake is hunting me down and the trust i bestowed upon no longer exist. I am just another loser, and she doesn't give a shit about me anymore.....Thanks alot....for the memories.....22nd July...

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths.......22nd July......

d3v!LwIt@tTitUd3 / v0!c3oFp@iN

The Hoo Haas of Kenny Sia and SPG....

I was reading all along yesterday from Kenny's post right till all those who blogged about Kenny's latest entry with nude pic of SPG. I read Kenny's blog and was as usual enjoyed it. But what ticked me off was from minishorts to some other not so famous bloggers - all did nothing but to condemn the guy of how dumb, and rude and whatever the words can be - the bottom line is that the guy had the guts to do what he did, and he posted it. Didnt minishort wrote something about her site, saying its her site, she pays for it and fuck she can write anything she wants. So did Kenny. Didn't Suanie say she will write something nice about someone if the person pays her. Well no one payed Kenny to shut the fuck up. Or we can even consider the fact that SPG would have flashed in order to pay Kenny to write something about it in the blog. Ok as Kenny has said, i do not have the right to assume his state of mind.

Initially i was ok reading all those people giving their piece of thoughts, respecting it all along as every one has their freedon of speech. But, i got pissed when i found out, due to all this Kenny has scrapped down the post. Mate u shouldn't have, for a fuckin' hypocrite society. Why I call em' hypocrites??? Now thats my piece of mind that i would deffinitely like to share...

I was talking to my friend Din and intentionally asked him, what happened in Kenny's blog and why the hell is everyone condemning him. And Din told me, that after the PPS bash, Kenny became even more famous, so there will be more people who visits his site and he posting the picture sort of nudity ...bla bla bla....

And then there was another post entry that i read. It says the blogger enjoyed Kenny's post but after a while he thought he was wrong. The guy must have cummed already, at the vibrations of SPG's tits... What a puss....

Bottom line is every one saying that Kenny is promoting nudity and it isnt safe for our culture and for underaged readers. Now the crust of why i call u losers hypocrites...Suprisingly when there is a picture, it becomes all so offensive. Well if u really damn care, then what about words used in our blogs. Visit minishorts.net, visit suanie.net, visit my site, visit Kenny's previous posts... Heckk i am sure all these bloggers have incurred some form of profanities in their entry in usage of texts. Suprisingly then the site is still acceptable and, and is not worth condemning for the vulgarities, but when Kenny posted a single picture and the hoo haa started....What u guys gotta be kidding to think that kids will be spoilt with pictures than words rite...So what if Kenny didnt post that picture, will it be ok if he just talks about how firm SPG's breast has been. Would it then be considered as a non vulgar entries. How about the conversation message posted by minishort asking Kenny about his dick size...what about the pic posted by Suanie to promote her charity in the name of feminine touch... Wasn't it vulgar then....In fact people commented how they loved the post..And now here we are, just for a fucking single pic....Honestly the guy had the guts to post it, SPG had the balls to pose it.....

Plus, can any of you tell me that you were really offended by the pic. I can imagine how many guys would have wanked seeing SPG's blurred image and gals would have fantasized Kenny. We especially the current generations are becoming more adapted to this kind of images. Its like watching porn. Shit minishort offered to let a guy fuck for free given certain condition. Did she write that not knowing about sex and nudity... Stop being hypocrites people. Be honest to urself and leave be alive for the reason of urself and non other....It was so yesterday trying to portray a good image... The latest trend is about having the guts to be urself.....

Too all u guys out there, ur just jealous u do not have the balls to be like him and gals u just envy SPG for her opennes about her beauty.

Kenny repost that entry mate... Dont give a shit what this hypocrites think......Whether u die or live tomorow, in the end u will be nothing but a mere memory and let the memory last as long as possible...

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths.....i detest fucking hypocrites like thyself.......

1 reason WHY should anyone date Suanie???

Anyone who have visited Suanie's site, would know about her advertisement. I know it is so yesterday, but i just came thru that ad alrite. So here I am bidding my part to promote her. Unlike her i don't have 5 reasons to why anyone should date her, but rather i would like to emphasize on one reason given by her. You know adding some chilli sauce into sambal ikan bilis kinda thingie.

So here goes.....
Especially guys may know this phrase and since she is looking for a guy as a date, i guess i can forget about the gals for the moment; and the phrase is "cover the face fire the base". Sounds familiar..... Yup, guess thats what she potrayed on her feminine touch picture above. So guys, please she has all those qualifications any other gals would. So please give her a chance and fire the base alright.

By the way, "cover the face, fire the base" true definition is as illustrated.

I decided to use Tom Cruise as the campaign emblem, for the reason that Suanie has something against him. But look at the bright side, even if she has something against u, she is still willing to give a shot with u as she is flexible u see. So why not u guys be modest, stop complaining and take ur fire at the base...See how happy Tom Cruise is. He is happy to the extent that he wanna be stylish with his shades...I wonder if he will be that happy if Suanie has her helmet off. But i am sure he is happy with the base.Now aren't u guys tempted.....Even if you are not, just cover the face and still fire the base...U still get the base alright...Remember all u guys have to do is cover the face..Wahahaha...

There you go Suanie.....You dont know me and I dont know you, but this is my bid for YOUR charity...

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths....mates, please date her.....

My Love For Sarah............

Sarah...who is this brat some may wonder...Well i wish i had the answer sooner...Late but the answer stil came to me. Better late than never i guess...I never knew this babe, when we were in the institution. Heck i never knew she existed right beneath my nose. Same goes to her. I guess we may had crossed path several times, but too busy or too unattracted to notice each other. Cant be going around and getting to know all the people in this world right? Anyway i only end up knowing her when we started working together. Even then, i only knew her as Sarah, but not as Sarah from same institution as mine, not until one day when we had formal intorductory that we learned about each other. She was a low profile gal, so i never noticed her. Stop blaming me for that, but i thought i was famous in my Uni...So Sarah how come u never noticed this hunk??? Blame her people!!! Hahahaha..

Anyway, though we were working together, but still we were never close...More like Hi and Bye friends...This time blame it on our distant quarters and communication barrier. Damn you stupid entities...Nevertheless, despite all those, we remained as acquaintance to each other throughout our training. We were in the same department for the first 7 months, separated for 2 1/2 months and now back again in our final department for a duration of 2 1/2 months.

The trainees group is now smaller, consisting of 4 pax compared to the previous 10 pax. And this time we have the same shift unlike previously where our shifts varies like the waves of ocean. Due to all this factors, i realised even as i write this that both of us are much closer now than we used to be. Thanks to all the assignements and similar gossips we have to go through. Hahahaha. It's a pleasant feeling.

Sarah is a very nice girl...I mean from my point of view, a girl like her has became extict in her community. Her pure innocent characteristics are refelected especially when one goes out for dinner with her. Not one person I met so far, isnt pleased by her nature. She'll be every one's sweet child and start serving the dishes. You should see the way she disects the fish... If i was a fish, i'll thank my "FISH GOD", for giving me a proper funeral... Hahahaha... She will wipe clean every bit of the fish's flesh and will satisfy herself with the fish's eye..Ewww right...But thats her alright....

As I mentioned earlier, only recently i became closer to her, so my personal experience with her though not much,but was indeed a pleasant one. Sometimes we have to work early morning shift. So that requires us to wake up as early as 4 am at times. Sarah, will ring me up as soon as she opened here eyes. Not that i cant wake up, or that i am a heavy sleeper ,but honestly demotivation is a motivation not to rise. Sarah was indirectly responsible for my good grades at this department. What good grades??? I wonder as well, but i am just trying to show some gratitude to her alright. Anyway initially Sarah's action was nothing, but as time went by and my thoughts replenished, i find it sweet of her to do so. Sometimes i requested her to wake me up, sometimes i will be joking about it, sometimes i never told her to do so, but she will anyway and that's what makes her so sweet..I could recall two women who ever woke me up, one was my mom and the other was my ex. But Sarah surpassed them both, cus the other two woke me because they love me and close to me. But Sarah and me though close, but not close enough. I never really had a friend like this. She managed to level up our distant apart just by being herself, thus made me feel grateful and thankful having met her, though quite late but i still appreciate it.

I wouldn't know what my life would have been like had i met her earlier, i am not wishing to turn back the time either. Knowing her as much, I am sure it would have been a pleasant experience having met her at any point of my life span.

Well to the rest of my friends who are reading this, fret not, ur time will come when i will write about you guys. Just to name a few of admirable personal in my life here are Young(C-Monk), who also wakes me up, and a good friend; My other darling Ivy, many people can be scared of her but for me she is just an adorable doll - like; Damien, my ex who betrayed me.Damn u...Hahahaha; Big Momma Catherine, whom i had many conflicting points with, but her carefree attitude made a comfortable bond; Pui Yee...not so close, but still learning about her, especially her bikini pose..Wahahhaha; Kenny...the pshyco LOUSY guy, but a good friend to me; Ellie, the cute short small girl, with big thoughts; Din, my partner in crime and others. Dude and dudettes whom i fail to mention ur name here, please forgive me and rest assured that you are all in my good books, especially to those of my friends back in KL....i am tired alright, so give me a break. How much can a guy praise in one day. Wait for your turn patiently. Plus i also wrote this about Sarah, cus she innocently asked me to, plus i thought this would make a great entry...Hahaha

Have I told you all that Sarah unskinned a prawn and gave it to me to whack, defeating 6 other contenders. Sweeeeettt !!!

Disclaimer : I Love Sarah, but am not in love with her. There's a difference so make no mistake about it. I am happy with the way things are, and deffinitiely hate to lose a good soul due to some silly feelings that i can never understand. I've lost too much to lose anymore . I just wish Sarah, and several other distinguishing characters i mentioned earlier, will remain forever in my life.

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths....endearment of loved ones, much longed......

Revived 4 Ride....

All this while, though the fact remains that i spoke much about racing and how speeding sets me free...nevertheless i belive i still had more in me to give but never did and couldnt do, mainly because of my car's condition, especially the tyres and also the brakes, plus the alignment are becoming unalligned.

Despite all the probes, my car was still in a good condition to travel and safe enough provided you are well versed with my car and the condition. That's why i am so proud of my car, cus it never let me nor the people i entrust the car with down. Thanx to JFE 8555, i started to love my car as well..

Anyway, on 3rd of July, my friend Din needed the car, to pick his dad and sis up. They are going to register the sis at KBU to further her studies.....If this is the first time, i wouldnt have borrowed him my car. Deffinitely wouldn't have. Even the first time when i borrowed him, the car was in a better condition, so though reluctant i still lent him away my ride cuz he agreed to take full responsibility over the car if anything happens. But after the 1st time, he borrowed my car quite often, and my reluctance fade away as he is becoming more accustomed to my car's condition, up to the extent of the condition it is now. So since he was there throughout the evolution of my car, i still gave him trusting he knows how to handle it...

The night before he left i told him to change all the four tyres, which he agreed. He also was responsible enough to bare half the cost as he too used my car. I was reluctant at first, cus i never really liked the idea of asking my friends to pay back, but then now, i am working and savings is an essential issue so i agreed for him to share the burden.

And so as Din is done with all his personal stuffs, he went to change the 4 tyres, kept the best among all as the spare tyre, filled up battery water, changed brake bearing, tuned allignments and there you go - all just for RM 630. Initially i thought it was expensive as the guy who did all this also charged for the allignment settings. Normal workshops, where you change tyres, the allignment settings will be done for free.. Din told me maybe because this shop is specialised in tyres alone and the rest are additional services. The tyre on the other hand, was continental tyres. I have no idea but it seems Din asked for mountain ride tyres, and the owner recommended continental tyres.

Well, anyway all has been done.. I mean i wanted the car to be refurbished anyway. And Din was generous enough to charge me RM 300 only. Thx Din. Din brought me to check out the new tyres.. When i saw the tyres with all new pattern, i can feel already the grips the car posses. Oh man how i wish so badly to try out the car instantly. But i cooled down my horses, soon i will deffinitely take it for a ride and i am gonna break free sooner than i thought.

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths........Revival of my ally, drives me to ride....

Break Away.....Break Free....

Yesterday i had to go down to KL for some personal reason. My car is getting worse by journey, nevertheles as usual, with safety and driving slow in my mind i took off.

Somewhere along the way, the speed increaed, meaning i started accelerating. I doubt i went any faster than the race i had about 12 days ago. This time it was more like cruising, though there are times i can feel the tyres are losing grip and pulling away from the track. Despite all that i still had a safe journey.

The bottom line is, i began thinking....Why do i do what i do??? I mean i know the car is not in a good condition but still i took it to the limits. I was thinking why i push things to the edge, knowing very well that it isnt safe to do so. Maybe because i wasn't freaked out, maybe because i got no space to freak out. I dont know. See, what may be normal to others may not be to the rest. I mean to some people 80 kmh may be the normal speed, 100 kmh may be exciting and 120 kmh could be terrifying. As for me 100 kmh is normal, 120 kmh is where i get excited and anything more, my excitement just grows. Different people different capabilities and perceptions after all. I recall a scene from Initial D- The movie, where Bunta says that once Takumi complained about his eyes sight just because he see things a slower where in reality the guy is faster. Kinda sums up whatever i said earlier.

My heart was throbbing, for more, to push further the limits, wanting to see what lies ahead of the excitement. I want to discover something deeper, something i've never experienced, something that i am sure will love. Then my memories flashed away to the night i had that race.

Why was I racing???
Why was I going fast???
Why didn't i back off knowing my car couldn't handle it???

And then it came to me.......

Because i want to break away...i want to break free...Its when i drive fast, i am somehow free from all the burdens been weghting me, my worries seems like never existed, my tortures and pain - i can feel none of it. No memories to hold on to, no past to treasure, no place to go home to and nothing to trace back. I felt light with that kind of feeling.

And so I broke away, I broke free.....and I am sure I will again.

Where Fantasy and Reality Cross Paths.....freedom at highspeed, excitement unleashed.....