The Beast in ME!!!

I've had nightmares alright. No doubt about it. I mean I am not unique for that reason... Just wanted to clear that out I guess...Anyway the thing about my nightmare is that it is always about the same thing. And I never got bored of it...Why??? Cuz' it just drains me out all the time it flashes. Without failing I will be just in a bad mood the whole day..

I had one of it yesterday and yes again as I woke up, I felt damn tired and weakened as well as in bad mood.. I tried to recall this particular scene...And I knew,there is a flaming rage in me...It is undying and will always be there. I know that much. I always wanted to see my ex-gf so much cus duh I still love her....I feel it every now and then. But what I didnt feel is the rage I have towards her and I guess I have these nightmares to thank for making me realise about the monster in me. So in this particular scene as much as I can recall, I realise I was just throwing away some really hurtful statements at my ex...I mean being concious now and all I can bet you I wouldn't wanna say anything to hurt her. Yes thats how I feel.....Dont ask me why after all she has done that I am still being head over heels for her.. I dunno. Just that I guess it was never in me to hurt her even verbally...

But as I mentioned this particular scene it just brought out the rage in me. As I was half concious, I could feel all those fire vomiting out of me when I said those unpretty words...It would hurt her....For sure it will....It was me alright. Because I could feel the heat emitted...I didnt feel good...but I felt the amount of energy hidden in me... It is very much dangerous... And to substantiate my feeling, whatever I could think of throughout the day, I just had a reason to be angry at...Everything that I thought of just kept on upsetting me.

I knew what a dangerous man I am. The state of my life...Sigh..As much as I wanna see her and tell her again how much I love her... I guess I should just leave it as it is...If seeing her might hurt her, then I wouldn't wanna do that...Guess I rather endure nightmares and the pain of not seeing her tha the torments that I have to go through when I really hurt her......Sigh.... I am just one fuckin' messed up guy....

People say new year is a great thing to cheer about, but as it approaches ,my mood just swings itself away...getting nastier and darker as it gets closer. Feels like werewolf where the will transform when the full moon hits. Well I am not that bad, but I guess things are equally evil here...Love her and hurt her...???Way out of my league......

Where I work now...I even joined in for her...thinking for her, not for me...That was a mistake some may think, but hey what is LOVING when you dont live fully the other...I thought that's how it was but then again I was just being naive all along.... Racism is one great politic in my company, with often me being the victim. To some extent I knew of the things I need to face when I signed up for the contract, and I had motivation and I was willing to walk the miles... Right now...its just hopeless...No GF....no reason why I should endure all this anymore...Guess thats what invoking all the flames in me...Its because of her I'm in such a state and yet being unable to love her but have to endure all sort of shits... I am just like a time bomb ticking to explode one day not aware of how many I am gonna tear apart...So people....just keep yourself away from me... At least until I have been cured...

Can you hear it.....echoes of realmz.....

SquatGirl...Interesting Politics

I know this one is like one heck of old and boring post. But I had this for quite sometime, but then couldn't really find the time to put it up...

I reckon everyone knew about the naked squatting issue...Now I dont have the video clip here...Not that I couldn't find it, but just that I am damn lazy to go through all the process and getting it hosted in YouTube and then linking back to my page.

Anyway the first time I saw the video clip I realised this...It all looked like some kind of made up thing.. You know it felt like someone was planning to set up the police force to begin with. Guess why I came up with such a notion....Well look at the clip closely and you will realise that somewhere in the clip when the girl turns around getting naked, it looks like as if she was staring right into the lenses of the camera that is capturing the clip. As much as a camera can zoom, but I doubt the distance between the person who shoots the clip and the girl is invisible. It felt like as if the girl was part of somekind of big time take out on Malaysian force....

Secondly.....The statement Noh Omar made... No I ain't going to talk about what the heck this guy said...It is more like what he said after the irreversible statement. He said "sorry" And that he should have been more careful with his words. And he is still in his position right. Well I am a bit outdated so pardon me if I am wrong. Anyway imagine the fact one of the downline of any company had said something like the irreversible statement. I tell you mate, we will be facing an almost termination possibility here. But what the heck when a big shot does it..Its ok??? Fuck...I dont respect this kind of guys...Being in a high ranking position and cant find a proper statement...My brother who is barely 15 knows how to behave himself...But a senior official acting like a dumb ass...Well guess that is one of the reason why I dont really respect much of my bosses...they make dumb statement for a boss...and they hate me cus I dont respect them... Anyway what I think came out of Noh Omar's speech was sincere....He really meant what he said...But I doubt that he really meant the "SORRY" part...Put in a bit of political pressure and threaten his position....with all the juniors' looking down on you.. What you think is the best political move...Saying "SORRY" of course....It is also a wise move in order to show China that Malaysia is doing everything they can to patch up the damages...Kinda reduces the international pressure from China and also doesn't deter the country's own repo...

Next up... ths issue whether if it is a Chna Chick or Malay Native....Why...Many have voiced out that it doesn't matter...what race the girl can be but the act was cruel. Do we really think that those people who runs the country...would not think in such way as well...Well they did alright...But it is a matter of priority...Whether handling the obvious questions of our own people or to re-establish a losened tie with a foreign nation...Well if I was a county's leader I would choose to deal with the latter.....Somehow my own assumption is that the whole conflict of what race the girl is some sort of diversion....A diversion meant to tell China..."ey look it wasn't your girl...It was our own"..Somehow hoping that China will be releived......Running a company and a country is about alike.... Your concern is on bilatteral ties and international unity....So heck yeah, perhaps a diversion is important to cool the heads off from international fame for the wrong reasons....It is better to convict ur own people than another.....

Well I guess that some up my whole political theories for today...I think I should venture into politics...What ya'll think....Till next time folks.....

Can you hear it....the echoes of realmz...

I was out for long.....

Yeah, it has been a while, since I last blogged. It just that when December came, I mad a comittment to myself as to blog on daily basis regarding some spiritual elements until Christmas. But then I failed... Maybe cus my comittments werent strong enough... But somehow I got so damn pissed for being a failure and decided not to blog till Christmas ends... Well today is the 26th and I guess I can blog again.

I dont think so I am about to give up blogging. Right now this is the only medium of expression I have...People can be judgemental over things that we say...but here in blogsphere...My expression just gets swallowed without prejudice....I like that ....most of the times...


Can you hear it.....the echoes of realmz

Faith is not an insurance policy but a blanket of assurance that GOD'll always be with us....

I liked the phrase of the title. I got it somewhere on the net...I am pretty sure to that extent....I loved the phrase so much that everytime I was about to give up on something; I bounce back stronger and harder...It kept me moving and alive....

The idea is this...You dont get insurance policy unless you pay the agency the fee..I was once approached by an insurance agent. I was willing to listen as I was also looking forward to buy a policy. But what ticked me off is how he started himself off. I mean the guy said " I am here not because of the money, but because I care for your life...."...

Fine I told him ok and ask him to prepare the documents for me...He so did...And when it came the time for me to pay, I didnt, in fact I darn straightly refused to pay. When the guy asked me I told him to pay for me...He looked puzzle and confronted me why should he pay for me. I bluntly told him that its because he care for my life and not my money. The guy looked dumbfounded. The logic is clear ain't it. Will the guy or any other insurance agent would have joined to become an agent if it doesn't pay them. What a pathetic way to approach. I mean the only reason why any insurance agent want us to buy their policy is to secure their own income. Else do you think they will even bother to approach. Its a selfish world we deal with these days...Will some one really would look after your life at their expense. FAT CHANCE!!!

That is why insurance are always a policy..Which means it is bound to change.....But God's promise is way beyond all those. It is an ASSURANCE..It means no matter what happens or whatever that may change, but the promise will still live on.....PERFECT...No matter what we do, what happens...as long as we belive in the LORD, he will be there always for us. To look at it in a more conservative way...Even when we drift away from HIM, he still doesnt loose hold of us...It is us who decided to glide away from him...Even no matter how many time we disown GOD, HE will never disown us....The moment we call for him in FAITH he is there already...Yeah again, the conventional idea says that when we call him with FAITH, we are to put our lives in HIM and let him move us...Lost of free will heh...Yeah but that's how it works..And that's the reason many fail...Because our freedom is limited. Will write an entry about it later I guess...But the crux of this entry is very simple...Its so easy to obtain GOD's blessings yet we fail to do so...

Maybe GOD should take the form of Insurance Agents...Approach us and start convinsing...Well it ain't that simple cus I do expect that to happen...but it never did...Thats why my FAITH isn't that strong anymore......

But whether I like, believe it or not...I am always aware that he is there..I admit I am the one choose to drift away waging my own war wif HIM....but no matter what HE is always with me...

Can you hear it...the echoes of realmz....

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. - I Corinthians 14:33

Yeah the title said it all. Honestly I do doubt the very existence of the great one at times, but I shall not dwell with it now. I may right a new entry regarding it. Anyway, I just thought that I should peace out my mind regarding this.

The world is undoubtly full of confusion. It begins with confusion, evolves to some decision and later on becomes differences that draws limitations to us and all around us. Yeah thats what the world around us is about these days. of differences that separates us rather than similarities that shall unite us. Funny isnt it how people fail to choose the later than the former. Its an obvious pattern alright and suprisingly everyone is united even in looking at the differences. Even that people dont see as something common with them...because their mind is clouded with their own ideologies that they have forgotten the basic principalities of "GOD"'s exsistence.

Be it any relegion and in my case I am gonna pen my take on Christianity. Because I firmly believe that by questioning is how I really learn. So as the title says " Not author of confusion". Yes GOD is not author of confusion....HE didn't mean for us to make him as a tool to be confused and lose our way. What HE really intended was for us to find our way when we arte lost, to return to our unfinished journey when we have been hit by slump, and to guide us to guide others as well..

But reality seem to be a direct opposite to what was meant to be. Yeah I know life is a bitch and all and not everything is always how it seem to be. Yeah save me the lecture alright...But we are not talking about mere life alone. We are talking about the destiny of life itself. How it was sculptured to fit all's need and desires. We are talking about the creator of life himself. How can that which HE created deviate away from the purpose of its existense...Because we humans misuse the gift bestowed upon us... We took things for granted because we were given the freedom to do so. Think about getting some hard spanking everytime we cross the "Dont Cross" line...Would we have deviated so much and end ourselves up in some majore confusion.

Its common to defend by saying that one is not confused but hey to another person your stand may deffinitely seem to be an act of confusion. And people keeps on going on with this until we all drift apart. What was the mission again????Oh yeah...PEACE...of course...But the logical view here is how can we achieve PEACE if all that we ever work hard on is to drift apart.

Kinda answers all the war and enemity around the world. They all belive in GOD, but it looks like each GOD has a different say to each and every one of them. Just like the time when Bush quoted " Submit to authority" and the people echoed "love thy enemy"...Yeah mate...ramble on and start a verbal war with each other using the same source but different perpspective and hopefully we will have conclusion.... Fat hope I should say... We all should unite together in one concept and one perspective. If every God exist for our benefits then which God will allow us to detoriate...Unless your argument is goint to be "even GODs are having their own battle and whichever GOD wins, that nation will be the supreme ruler"...I would deffinitely suggest you to grow up.... GOD is one and the purpose is deffinitely not to cause confusion......Unless of course GOD itself is a confusion that the puny mind generated....I guess I will leave the proving and justifying to the experts. I have done my reflections here. Let us not us God's name in vain...There are things only God knows...Let us leave unknowns be unknowns......and accept the fact that GOD is here for PEACE treaty.....

Can you hear it....echoes of realmz.....

The usage of BIBLE

I wrote this sometime ago in HAVE FAITH site... but never saw the post...Received email from the team admin saying that it will take a day or two before it got published. I waited so long and never saw this post got published. I dont know who moderated it. So i decided not to write for Have Faith anymore, until just now when I found that my post actually got published but it was the only post that was set to be private. Again I wonder who was the moderator and what was the meaning of all this.Maybe it was a mistake.SO I guess I should start writing for Have Faith after all....But first thing first and I am gonna post this in my sight..I think somehow this is my most structured post ever, plus it was helluva task to write without any curse. I guess I should start refining the way I write..Any way here it is :

Here we are sitting in the dark, middle of the night feeling so depressed, so miserable as if the world has come to an end, or at least for us who are sulking..I am not ashamed to admit I am on of them even till today…So what do we do when we are in heart ache…People like me know of one best option only..to read the BIBLE, hoping that some soothing verse could come across..Truth be told, every verse in the bible is soothing, but often when we are miserable we only want to look into the answer that we want to hear rather then the answer that is actually served..The best part about reading what we like is that, we do not exactly want it to sooth ourselves, but often to attack others and justifying ourselves. Yeap without doubt that is the case.

But the truth is bible is to be used to safeguard us, to guide us and to deliver us from evil, not to attack others.The bible is meant to be as a tool of love.How can anyone in their right mind use it to attack others unless of course some sadist people would like to look at “attack” as a form of love as well…

I wonder perhaps thats the reason why Catholic churches try to restrict people from growing on their own by dwelling in the bible. They prefer the idea of them teaching it as the bishops or other higher authorities do consider themselves to be at the right place to educate people.And of course they also recommend other scriptures unlike Protestant churches.

Protestant churches depend solely on the teaching of the bible and bible alone..but they do encourage people to read and grow as the believers may find it fit. That’s the problem why Catholic churches want to curb. We are only humans, and humans are fragile and emotionally bound..For we will use our emotions to represent the verses..When one could use the verse in a different way, other will be able to use it in another way.

Its fine as long as one knows how to use it well..Jesus didn’t say that there is only one meaning to the verses in bible..But then again whatever meaning that we may derive comes from the heart to shape the person we are today. Whatever perspective we are looking it from, it is never ever and should never ever be used to attack others. Knowing the weakness that we humans posses, Catholic churches must have been long before to centralised the learning so that people may grow together as one light and shadow. Think about it, if everyone has the same teachings then perhaps there wouldn’t be much of a collision course among us. But nevertheless it also limits to one’s personal growth getting closer to God..If we are ought to move within limitations, sooner or later we will tend to loose out on many abundance God has to provide, since the limitations gets us on a slow ride when we are in hunger for more..Eventually being weak beings, we will rather break loose from all those limitations in the name of freedom..Protestant church wants to feed us as much as infinitely possible to know and get closer to God.

So who shall we follow now…The answer my friends is within us…We decide who do we belive in..We move from there focused on learning what we want to know and what we search…Along the way, what we learnt is for the best of us and not for the worse of any others..Its not to justify our actions, nor it is to condemn others…It is plainly to help us learn what we want…Amen….

There is a reason why I wrote such a post. Unlike every other christians I have seen who tend to say much on god's greatness, I simply adapted the idea of showing men's weakness in following the way of the great one. Somehow I am just trying to say that it is us who fail us and not HIM due to our very own complications and differences in ideologies. I also felt that if any one going to get attached to something, they might as well see the defects of it rather than the greatness of it to avoid disappoinment when expectations goes beyond definition. There is time and limitations for everything. Patience is virtue as much have said before...I reckon if we learn to live with the defects, then we will sure be able to appreciate the little blessings showered every now and then instead of being ungrateful and greedy....More posts like this ought to come hopefully.....

Can you hear it.....the echoes of realmz....

When December comes, and December came....

Well Somehow December seem to be great month of a year. For me at least. Why??? Well cus it is the year end. Despite the fact that I am getting older as every year goes by, it is often a benchmark to relief ourselves and see where we have gone from where.... This is the time when people will often think about their resolution. Things they want to accomplish on coming year. Some fail, some jump with glorious smile, some like me simply fall into the mud. But thats not the point...The point is that December is a month where people actually will do something because of the month alone...Its like fearing the month some sort....And as I mentioned, it is for several reasons...all in the perspective of an individual.

But of all those meanings, the world will always remember December for one thing and that one thing for sure.CHRISTMAS....yup its is coming and it will come and go like every other year yet it doesn't fail to mark its excitement in every one's heart..Well I am sure it marked mine..SInce like 4 years ago if I am not mistaken...First two a lonely christmas, third year with my ex, and it was like all heaven blessing us...Honestly...I enjoyed every moment of it. I am not from a born christian background. I adopted what I am standing by today for my own reasons known to me and God and pretty obvious to much. So coming from a totally different family root, my decision is being opposed till today but though my parents are aware about it unless things hit them obviously, we will not have a row, else I guess all hell will break loose. So being in such a situation I never did celebrated christmas..But somehow I enjoyed the thought of celebrating it and it left me lonely..

Until my third year of course, I celebrated it with my ex...Like I said it was rain of blessings from heaven..Who needs party and crowd visting your home when I can gather more joy just by being next to the girl I love...Yeah my memories are still sort of fresh on events that took place that particular night, though I must admit it is decaying away....simply because ageing factor....Gosh do I sound old....

Came fourth year and I am back to my initial state...lonely christmas again.....and this year, I am not expecting much deviations either......Yeah to make things worse I'll be working on that day...I could take a break, but then I dont see why...I'll end up in my corner being all alone anyway...So I guess I might as well work my sorrows off...

this is my december

this is my time of the year

this is my december

this is all so clear

this is my december

this is my snow covered home

this is my december

this is me alone

and i

just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed

and i

take back all the things i said to make you feel like that

and i

just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed

and i take back all the things i said to you

and i

give it all away just to have somewhere to go to

give it all away to have someone to come home to

this is my december

these are my snow covered dreams

this is me pretending

this is all i need

and i

just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed

and i

take back all the things i said to make you feel like that

and i just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed

and i take back all the things i said to you

and i

give it all away just to have somewhere to go to

give it all away to have someone to come home to

this is my december this is my time of the year

this is my december this is all so clear

and i give it all away just to have somewhere to go to

give it all away to have someone to come home to

Can you hear it....the echoes of my realmz.....